I Want To Be Me

", you are in violation of Rikkai's dress code. If you do not change your uniform to the correct one, you will be suspended."

Jusaburou was the first person I came out to and it was purely by accident. He saw me getting told off by a public morals committee member about wearing the wrong uniform and jumped in to intervene. I didn't know why he bothered to do such a thing, but it was touching.

"What's wrong with her uniform?" he questioned. "I'm wearing the same one and you're not calling me out."

" is wearing the boys' uniform," he pointed out. "She should be wearing the girls' one."

"Oh? Where in the handbook does it say that?" Mouri asked. "Last I checked, all of us just had to be in uniform and the book tells us how to properly wear the boys' or girls' uniform. Doesn't say anything about how people born with dicks have to wear the boys' one."

"Why are you getting involved? This doesn't concern you, Mouri."

"Actually, I think it does," he huffed. "-san isn't even breaking a rule, but you're singling her out 'cause you don't like how she doesn't fit in your biased worldview?"

"Excuse me?"

"No, excuse you," he sassed back. "She's not even hurting anyone by wearing it. I don't see what the big deal is."

The committee member just sighed before he turned and walked away. Jusaburou looked as if he had just won an easy battle in a long war.

"Mouri-kun, you didn't need to do this," I finally piped up.

"What do you mean?" he asked. "If he bothers you again about having to wear that ugly skirt, I'll switch uniforms with you, m'kay?"

I took a good look up and down his entire body. "I'm not sure we're the same height..."

"I can make it work. Just watch me," he boldly flaunted. "Men can be so passé, y'know? Don't let that stick-in-the-mud tell you what you can and can't do."

"Thanks, I think? But, I think you should know that I'm not a girl, Mouri-kun."

"Aw, shoot! My bad," he apologized. "I really should be better with this kinda stuff 'cause I also get a lot of flak for not being like the rest of 'em."

"It's alright," I chuckled. "I'm not exactly out yet, if you catch my drift."

"Y'know something, ? I think we're gonna get along just fine," he grinned.

True to his word, Jusaburou and I became the best of friends. We told each other everything and hid nothing from each other. I still remember the day he fell in love with a man that he knew he couldn't be with. He was at some questionable tennis camp when it happened and my phone would not stop going off because of it. He sent a photo of a depressing-looking guy with the most damaged bleach-white hair I had ever seen, followed by a bunch of gibberish and a phone call.

"Please tell me this is not the guy you've been fawning over," I sighed as I picked up.

"-chan, he's sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo—"

"He looks like an emo kid who listens to too much Iron Maiden," I cut him off.

"You're so mean. You don't even know him and you're being so judgemental, " he huffed.

"Are you gonna ask him out?"

"...What if he's not gay? "

I rolled my eyes. "When has that stopped you?"

"He looks like he could crush me! "

"Jusaburou, you're like twice my size. There's no way he's bigger than you."

I heard rustling on the other line, followed by inaudible dialogue. It wasn't sure what was going on, but Jusaburou came back not too long afterwards.

"Check your messages, " he said.

I moved my phone away from my ear to check the message he just sent me. It was a picture of them standing side-by-side and I swore up and down that it was shopped in some way.

"Believe me yet? "

"Well... He is taller..."

"Do you see what I am dealing with, ? I can't just ask him like I normally do! "

"And what do you propose I do about it?" I asked. "I'm not the one falling for a skyscraper-looking Black Sabbath stan—and, in case you forgot, I'm still stuck here in Kanagawa."

"-chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, " he whined. "Be more supportive of me and my gay romantic endeavours... "

"I'm not even supportive of your straight romantic endeavours," I reminded him. "Figure it out yourself, Jusaburou. I think he looks terrifying, but I bet ten thousand yen that he's actually a softie who's afraid of talking with people."

"I'm gonna block you on LINE if you're right about him, " he hissed. "I gotta go. Team meeting. "

"Good luck," I taunted him before hanging up.

I didn't hear much from him for the rest of the week, but he sent a cryptic photo of him in bed with someone else beside him. All I could do was shake my head before going about with the rest of my day.

Jusaburou was pretty quiet following his return from tennis camp, which was highly unusual. I left him alone initially, but he ended up finding me in the chemistry lab after school a few days later.

"."

"Jusaburou? Why are you here?"

He dragged himself over to the work bench I was at and sat on the stool before slamming his head down on the counter.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," I warned. "My last experiment went all over the place and it involved concentrated sulfuric acid."

"I don't care," he moped. "Tsuki-san and I broke up."

I was puzzled by this revelation. "Why?"

"Internalized homophobia?" he wondered. "He tried to play that I-don't-do-long-distance card, but I could see that look in his eyes, y'know?"

"Aw, baby's first gay panic?" I joked. "To be fair to him, long distance probably does suck."

"Is it really that much of a distance if he's just in Tokyo? I'm pretty sure it's cuz he can't accept liking another guy."

"Heteronormativity will be the death of the both of us," I sighed. "It's his loss, anyway. You deserve someone who isn't afraid of themselves."

"Like you?" he asked.

"Jusaburou, we've been over this," I scolded him. "I can't be with you if you're just going to think of me as a woman when I'm not."

"Nah, not that," he laughed. "-chan, I have a favour I wanna ask of you."

"As long as it's not illegal, sure."

"If we're both single and facing pressure to get married—"

"No marriage pacts," I shot him down. "Who knows what's gonna happen by the time we reach that age? Maybe those damn old men in Parliament will finally realize that being the only G7 nation without marriage equality is a bad thing."

Jusaburou started sniffling and pretending to cry to try and make me feel bad. "-chan..."

Little did I know I'd be eating my words in due time.

When we started university, Jusaburou managed to reconnect with Ochi Tsukimitsu when it turned out—by pure coincidence—that they both ended up at the same school in Tokyo. I never heard the end of it when we were grabbing dinner one night.

"I swear it's fate," he said excitedly. "What other reason could there possibly be?"

"...The fact that the school you go to is considered the best in the country?" I answered rather sarcastically. "Sometimes, I wonder how you passed that entrance exam, but I didn't..."

"Just don't be bad at tests," he mocked as he stuck his tongue out at me.

"Still, how are you so sure that the same thing won't happen again?" I asked.

"You worry too much, -chan," he brushed me off. "Tsuki-san knows what he wants. He just needs to get better at asking for it."

"And you're not going to end up hurt again like the last time?"

"Well..."

"Like I said before, I'll never support your romantic endeavours—gay or straight, but I hate seeing you go into things like the dumbass you are and get hurt because of it."

"You sound like my late mom," he laughed. "She'd probably be saying the same stuff if she were here."

"Mama Mouri is just worried about her stupid son and so am I," I reiterated.

"Ain't you sweet, -chan? I'm lucky to have a friend like you."

"We could always be more than friends, Jusaburou."

"We could, but I wanna know what Tsuki-san says first."

Sure, it kind of blows to listen to the guy I like go on and on about someone else, but Jusaburou does deserve the world—and more. Even if he rejects me in the end, I still want to be a good friend to him.

Against my better judgement, I ended up marrying Jusaburou by the time we both turned 27. On paper, we were just a bog-standard cisgendered heterosexual couple, but it was really just a front for our families to stop setting us up for an arranged marriage with someone else. It was definitely not ideal for either of us, but being out about who we were was not something either of us could realistically do.

I won't lie—being married to Jusaburou was nice. He did care for me in a way, but I knew deep down that it wasn't the same kind of love two spouses would share between each other. It hurt to know that he didn't love me like I loved him. All of our friends were jealous of our relationship, but if they knew the truth... That was always the one worry I had.

Up until our marriage, Jusaburou and Ochi-kun kept trying to rekindle and break off their relationship with each other. To this day, I never understood why, but the back and forth continued on from our university days to the day we signed the license to be united till death—or divorce—did us apart. It wasn't like I cared if Jusaburou was sleeping around with other people either because I sure as hell was not going to sleep with him. But, it was sad to see Ochi-kun disappear from his life once more and I could never cheer Jusaburou up from this kind of heartbreak.

Even so, it's funny how cruel and funny fate could be. We were barely married for a year when the country went through a snap election and a SocDem minority government got put into power. It finally meant that the tides were turning and real change could finally happen in this damn place. Nothing excited me more than to know same-sex marriage was being legalized nation-wide and we can finally scrap this bullish partnership system that does exist.

After two and a half terms of political instability, the SocDems managed to pass and codify same-sex marriage in the constitution, meaning Jusaburou and I didn't have a reason to stay married to each other anymore. But, bringing up divorce with my sham husband seemed like a really touchy subject for some reason. I knew in my heart that Jusaburou never loved me in the same way I loved him, but he was strangely against legally nulling our marriage.

"What do you mean you don't want a divorce?" I asked for clarification. "Jusaburou, we only got married on paper so our stupid families wouldn't force us into an actual marriage we didn't want."

"Why do you wanna divorce, -chan?" he questioned me. "Am I not good enough to be your sham husband anymore?"

"No, you're perfect as my sham husband," I began, "but now that gay marriage is legal, I think you should try asking Ochi-kun out again."

"I can't," he protested. "Tsuki-san made it very clear that he doesn't wanna talk to me 'cause I'm married. He's a very moral man."

I let out a defeated groan. "I'm going to talk some sense into that skyscraper if it's the last thing I do..."

"Don't do that, either!" he begged. "-chan, can't you just leave this in the past and we can live the rest of our lives together as a fake cishet couple?"

"I refuse to be trapped in this flesh prison any longer," I spat. "And you need to stop being so wishy-washy with your damn feelings."

"I am not! I like you," he lied. "Please don't divorce me. What am I going to do without you?"

"Jusaburou, nothing says we can't be friends after a divorce," I pointed out. "But, are you really happy pretending to be someone you're not? I don't want to live the rest of my life pretending to be the woman who married you when I'm not a woman."

"I mean, I guess..." he pouted. "But, do you regret marrying me, ?"

"Hell no," I responded. "Jusaburou, the last decade was wonderful, but pretending to be a cishet woman when I'm not is really discomforting and distressing. I love you, but I don't want to stay looking like this forever. I want to be the real me."

"The real 'you'? Are you finally getting top surgery?!" he gasped.

I nodded. "As soon as we end our marriage, it's on the top of my to-do list."

Jusaburou gave me a very tight hug in response. "Finally! But, why did you wait so long?"

"Unfortunately, we still live in a misogynistic society and anything I do will reflect on my husband," I groaned. "But, a divorce means I can do what I want and it won't be your fault."

"Well, people are still gonna talk," he shrugged. "I get you, though. Thanks for caring so much about my public image."

"You run a very large and successful daycare," I reminded him. "Do you understand how bad this would be for your business if anything negative in your life gets blasted on social media for the whole world to see?"

"There you go again, worrying about something hypothetical," Jusaburou brushed off. "Y'know, I am quite the charmer."

"I am well aware of that. It's why I fell so hard for you, idiot."

The day after Jusaburou and I submitted our formal request to divorce, I managed to track down Ochi-kun for a few cups of coffee. He seemed very unapproachable, but Jusaburou had a point when he said I didn't know him like he did. He speaks only when he needs to and nothing more. I find it fascinating that he was somehow a registered psychiatrist and psych professor when he wasn't talkative.

"I'm glad you could come out today, Ochi-kun," I thanked. "I'm not sure if Jusaburou has told you yet."

He nodded. "You're getting divorced. A mutual connection of ours told me."

"I see." I took a sip from my drink. "He never stopped loving you, you know? I know that he wants to be with you, and now that you legally can be—"

"I won't get back with Mouri because of you," he said plainly. "You love him as well, right?"

"Of course I do," I admitted. "But, I also know my place at the end of the day."

"And that means...?"

"Jusaburou will only ever see me as a woman—not as a genderless person," I explained. "No matter how much I change my physical appearances, he will never see me the same way I see myself. He needs to 'fit' me into the shape of a man or woman to love me back."

Ochi-kun closed his eyes as he processed my words. "I see..."

"I can't be with someone who doesn't see me for who I am," I shrugged. "So, stop holding yourself back from happiness just because I'm in the picture."

"But..."

"I've accepted that our legal marriage was beyond salvation the moment we decided to sign the form," I laughed. "I'll never stop caring about Jusaburou, but he's not the person I'm destined to be with at the end of the day."

"Then, if it's all right with you... May I have your blessings, -san?"

"Honestly, I don't know what my ex-husband sees in you," I snorted. "If you let him go again, I will hunt you down, Ochi-kun. I am not above murder."

He nodded as he picked up his hot cup to drink. "I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"The divorce," he answered. "Even if things between you two weren't standard, it still is difficult."

"Aren't you sweet for caring?" I grinned. "If you want to make me feel better, you will pick up your phone right now and call my ex-husband to ask him out on a date."

Over the course of the next year, I finally started using my savings to turn myself back into the formless blob I always was. Top surgery was life-changing when the pounds of flesh and glands in my chest were just lobbed off. My back pain was almost gone overnight and it felt like I could breathe for the first time. It was such a foreign feeling, but it was amazing. I also started a low dose hormone therapy to be able to bulk up and make my figure less feminine. Unfortunately, my face was just permanently stuck looking like a 12-year-old who hadn't hit puberty, but it sort of worked to my advantage because it made me more androgynous.

Of course, Jusaburou and I stayed in touch. He even accompanied me to Thailand for the top surgery, which I'm grateful for. It was nice to finally see him genuinely happy and smiling. There was a glow to him that I was never able to see when we were married. Of course, it broke my heart just a little, but seeing him acting all cute and lovey-dovey with Ochi-kun was enough to keep it together. I knew I made the right choice to divorce him.

My ex-husband invited me out one day with a very cryptic message and an address for a really expensive department store. Obviously, I show up because I was concerned that he managed to fuck up this chance at happiness again.

"Got your SOS," I greeted him. "What happened this time?"

Jusaburou grabbed a hold of my shoulders and jostled me around. "Help me propose to Tsuki-san!"

"That's your SOS? Unbelievable..."

He looked like he was going to break down into tears at any moment. "I'm hopeless with this kinda stuff!"

"And you can't use the same proposal you did with me because...?"

"Did you forget that I never proposed to you, -chan?" he pouted. "This one has to be special! It's Tsuki-san we're talking about."

"I'm sure a private dinner under the stars is enough for someone as... Well, as Tsuki-san as him," I answered. "Are we at this overpriced store because you need me to help you with the ring?"

"You're good with colours and being thoughtful. I need something that suits him."

"Even after all these years, you still are the same idiot from high school," I sighed. "Fine, let's go look at the overpriced pieces of metal and rocks."

We headed over to the jewelry section and checked out the ring displays. When I closed my eyes to picture that absurdly tall human being, the only things that came to mind were those striking blue eyes of his. My gaze immediately fixated on a simple silver band with sapphires embedded into it around the entire circumference.

"How about that simple one? It's eye-catching, but not chunky. Since he's a doctor, he'll need to have something low profile that won't get snagged on the nitrile gloves he has to put on."

"He's not that kinda brain doctor, -chan," he reminded me. "That ring really does scream 'Tsuki-san' the more I look at it."

"So, it's settled. Now, you just need his ring size."

"Already ahead of you on that one," he grinned as he pulled out a piece of paper with measurements written on it. "I'll go place an order."

"Impulsive as always," I sighed as I watched him go speak to a staff member.

After finishing up with his order, Jusaburou dragged me around the rest of the store to buy stuff and do another damn stamp rally. I had almost forgotten how fun it was to hang out with him as friends when we were married for so long. We ended up stopping at the restaurant inside for lunch, which is where Jusaburou started a conversation I wasn't expecting.

"-chan, there's something I wanna ask you," he began. "Obviously, if I'm gonna get married to Tsuki-san, I'll need some help—"

"If you're asking me to be your wedding planner, you can fucking forget it," I warned him. "I am much too busy prototyping my next orphan drug."

"No, no, not that," he stopped me. "I wanna ask if you wanna be my best man. Well... Best person? I don't know what the gender-neutral term is."

"You're asking your ex-wife to be your right hand for your second marriage?" I asked for clarification.

"I know it's silly, but yes! There's no one else that could do it, except you."

"This is truly a strange turn of events," I laughed. "I'd be honoured to, but as long as I can wear what I want."

"We're already here. Let's go pick out something that slays," he suggested.

"Jusa, is that you?" a voice from behind me called out.

"Nee-chan?!"

I turned around to see standing near us, clearly unamused. She made her way to the table and sat on my lap, wrapping her arms around my shoulders.

"You told me you were seeing a friend—not my baby brother," she scolded me.

"Jusaburou is my friend," I reminded her. "Even if we're exes on paper."

"-chan, are you dating my sister?!" Jusaburou gasped in horror. "Nee-chan, what about your husband?!"

"My ex-husband can go choke on his own dick and die," spat. "-kun here is just so much better in every aspect. They actually know how to please a woman and they're not a misogynistic asshole."

"What can I say?" I shrugged. "Your sister's hot, Jusaburou."

"I don't wanna hear it!" he shouted as he plugged his ears with his fingers and shut his eyes tightly. "I can't believe my ex-wife is now my sister's partner..."

"That means we can stay as a family, Jusaburou," I reminded him.

"I refuse to address you as my older sister," he pouted. "You're always gonna be -chan to me!"

"The thought of you being my younger brother is terrifying—especially when my birthday is after yours." I gave my girlfriend a kiss on her cheek. "Why are you here anyway, ?"

"I read your texts and was upset that you didn't invite me along with you," she huffed.

"...You two are so similar, it's terrifying," I mumbled. "I'm just helping your little brother out with his marriage proposal. There's nothing else to it."

"Jusa, you're finally going to propose to Mitsu-kun?!" exclaimed. "Oh my God! Finally!"

Jusaburou was getting redder by the second. "Nee-chan..."

"Oh, I am so going to get that dress now," she said with glee. "-kun, how much is your credit limit?"

"What the hell are you trying to get me to buy...?"

"My outfit for my darling little brother's wedding, of course. We're going to need to coordinate."

"I'm going to be his best man," I told her. "If we're coordinating, it'll look like you're part of the wedding party."

glared at her younger brother. "You asked them to be your best man and not Ryouta-niichan?"

"You know how much Ryouta-niichan hates weddings," Jusaburou asserted. "I'm sparing him the pain."

"On second thought, maybe we shouldn't be dating each other, ," I laughed. "This family drama is too much for me."

"I'm not letting you go, -kun," she pouted before aggressively kissing me on the lips. "You're stuck with me for the long run."

"Nee-chan!"

"It's fine," I brushed off. "If we're all done here, why don't we start looking at fabric choices and accessories?"

"...Does my sister have to come with us?" he pleaded.

"No, but I will be expecting lots of pictures from you," she demanded. "I'm gonna go. I just wanted to come and mark what's mine."

I gave her one last kiss before letting her go. "Later."

When she finally disappeared into the shopping crowd, Jusaburou looked like he wanted to tear me a new one.

"How long?"

"Maybe like... Four months ago? I didn't tell you because I thought you'd handle it poorly," I confessed. "Though, I wasn't expecting that this was how you found out..."

"Nee-chan is a little possessive," he admitted. "Still, I'm glad you found someone who can like you for who you really are, -chan."

"And I'm glad you didn't fuck this chance with Ochi-kun," I grinned. "Come on, those fabrics won't pick themselves."

It's strange how life ends up working out. Meeting Jusaburou was probably the best thing to ever happen to me.